If you think you KNOW the answer....

If you think you KNOW the answer, maybe you aren’t asking the right question

I stood with my children around last holiday season, in a circle while someone told the assembled group that as they looked around, they just loved us so much and it broke their heart to think they wouldn’t be together with us forever – they wanted us all to be there.  But of course those of us who hadn’t said that Jesus was our savior wouldn’t be.  And they wanted to encourage us to seek their guidance so we could join them.

My quipped response under my breath was “well if they are there, I’m not going”.  Sarcasm aside, the moral, just, righteous, paternalistic, self-righteous, conceited, arrogance of that statement took my breath away.  I know these people to be well intentioned, thoughtful NICE people.  Of course they are nice.  They are trying to save us after all.  My late husband used to quote “Beware the tyranny of niceness”.  I’m not sure I got it until that moment.  Whatever one’s belief system, what gives any one the right to force that down anyone else’s throat? 

Let’s take this to its logical conclusion – let’s assume that the only way to get into heaven is by saying “Jesus is my savior”.  Then Ghandi isn’t there?  What about individuals who for thousands of years had never heard of Jesus?  Are they similarly condemned?  Is saying Jesus is my savior necessary and sufficient?  Or is it only necessary?  Does it right all wrongs done to proclaim it?  If you can get to heaven without it (ie, perhaps Ghandi will get a pass) then how much sin does it undo?  What are the proportions?  Normal every day sins like being inconsiderate of other people’s belief systems?  Does that get waved if you have proclaimed Jesus as your savior?  I assume it can’t get you to heaven if you have committed a murder, but who knows? 

I wonder sometimes if this family who made the statement would understand that I consider these moral, righteous people to be a bad influence on my kids.  That in fact, their dogmatism and failure to consider any other view point, their belief they have the only RIGHT path, could start one down the path of evil.  After all, it certainly is the epitome of conceit.  And I believe that even in the Bible, conceit is not looked on kindly. 

This family can or course argue that the Bible says that one has to proclaim Jesus in order to be saved.  But remember the Bible also tells us that if we beat a slave with a stick, and he dies immediately, we will be punished, but if he lives a few days, then shouldn’t be, since the slave is property. 

Okay, so maybe I have over-reacted.  Certainly I have managed now for a year to 1) not see the people concerned, and 2) apparently to hold on to a pretty serious level of irritation over this.  So, I guess it is time to let it go.  We are coming up on another holiday season where I will again find myself saying prayer before dinner with the same family.  Time for me to accept them for who they are and hope that just maybe, in time they may learn to appreciate others as they are.  After all, what would Jesus do?

Did I Just Lie to My Daughter?

Earlier this evening, my 11 year old and I continued a conversation about why she wasn’t thrilled with my boyfriend.  This stemmed from a moment the night before when I had said he was coming over, and eye rolling and muttered teenage sarcasm in the form of ‘that’s just great’ occurred.  This was the first time I had seen any hesitation or opinion that wasn’t positive from her about him.  Pressing her today eventually she stated that she was afraid I was replacing her dad, or worse, erasing his memory. 

I of course strongly reassured her that I was doing nothing of the sort – her and her brother’s dad couldn’t be replaced, and his memory wouldn’t be erased.  But later I started to wonder, was that entirely true?  Was it really the case that as I rebuilt my life in a new direction from what it was while married was I slowly erasing the memory of him from my life, and as a consequence from theirs as well?  As I looked around the house, at the replacement of wedding photos with more recent ones of the kids, the removal of the furniture and objects that he had bought that weren’t really my taste, it started to feel less honest.  Earlier this week, I had to replace the washing machine he has bought long before we met each other.  And there was this feeling of empowerment, of me standing on my own able to buy an appliance – one that I chose.  I was making a decision by myself and it felt great.  And the consequence of that is one more object of his that was gone. 

I had married someone who was pretty domineering and who had a lot of faults.  And in recent months, I must confess that I think more about the problems than I do about the good things that happened in our marriage.  As part of my own road of self discovery, I have been thinking about the problems in my marriage – the bad behavior I tolerated at cost to myself and the kids and have been thinking about what I want differently for the rest of my life. I loved him and was convinced I was happy in my marriage.  But I had made a lot of compromises – and maybe that is the case in all relationships – I don’t know.  I only know the compromises that I had made. 

Where is the line between changing your life and erasing your past?  Can I move forward – remapping my own life without leaving my children’s father behind?  Is recognizing you want something different now equivalent to replacing the old?  My daughter feels it is.  She feels like the fact that I have chosen to be with someone now so very different from her father is evidence that he is being replaced. 

I have no answers – I don’t know what to say to her nor do I know how to live independently without reducing the influence he has in our lives. 

I guess this is part of the processes of learning to live on our own.