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Earlier this evening, my 11 year old and I continued a conversation about why she wasn’t thrilled with my boyfriend. This stemmed from a moment the night before when I had said he was coming over, and eye rolling and muttered teenage sarcasm in the form of ‘that’s just great’ occurred. This was the first time I had seen any hesitation or opinion that wasn’t positive from her about him. Pressing her today eventually she stated that she was afraid I was replacing her dad, or worse, erasing his memory.
I of course strongly reassured her that I was doing nothing of the sort – her and her brother’s dad couldn’t be replaced, and his memory wouldn’t be erased. But later I started to wonder, was that entirely true? Was it really the case that as I rebuilt my life in a new direction from what it was while married was I slowly erasing the memory of him from my life, and as a consequence from theirs as well? As I looked around the house, at the replacement of wedding photos with more recent ones of the kids, the removal of the furniture and objects that he had bought that weren’t really my taste, it started to feel less honest. Earlier this week, I had to replace the washing machine he has bought long before we met each other. And there was this feeling of empowerment, of me standing on my own able to buy an appliance – one that I chose. I was making a decision by myself and it felt great. And the consequence of that is one more object of his that was gone.
I had married someone who was pretty domineering and who had a lot of faults. And in recent months, I must confess that I think more about the problems than I do about the good things that happened in our marriage. As part of my own road of self discovery, I have been thinking about the problems in my marriage – the bad behavior I tolerated at cost to myself and the kids and have been thinking about what I want differently for the rest of my life. I loved him and was convinced I was happy in my marriage. But I had made a lot of compromises – and maybe that is the case in all relationships – I don’t know. I only know the compromises that I had made.
Where is the line between changing your life and erasing your past? Can I move forward – remapping my own life without leaving my children’s father behind? Is recognizing you want something different now equivalent to replacing the old? My daughter feels it is. She feels like the fact that I have chosen to be with someone now so very different from her father is evidence that he is being replaced.
I have no answers – I don’t know what to say to her nor do I know how to live independently without reducing the influence he has in our lives.
I guess this is part of the processes of learning to live on our own.
Wow, it's so funny how that is the first thing we always say to a child "We aren't replacing ____" but we are. I totally see that now. I remember when my mother died, weeks after her death while I was still in shock (I was 11), my Grandmother took down all of my mother's painting and put up her own. I was furious, and it was one of many huge fights that forever molded my relationship with her. Now that I look back on it I wish she would have waited a year or two and then I probably would have been fine with it.
ReplyDeleteI guess when it comes to this type of thing we'll always make mistakes. I think it's important that when someone passes that we grow and adjust and find what makes us happy. For our kids, they need to decide what parts of those memories and objects mean the most to them and hang on to them.
I dunno I don't think growing up is ever easy, and sometimes things hurt but that doesn't mean we shouldn't do them.
Keep righting, I love this =)