Making excuses

In the last couple of weeks, I have found myself listening to women who are making excuses for their partners: apologizing for their behavior – explaining away their bad deeds.  And the odd thing is these are not un-liberated women – women married to dominant, overbearing men.  Instead these are liberated, strong, feminist women.  And yet, they are still making excuses for their male partners.  In one case, the partner in question had said something insulting to me.  I had hoped/expected an apology from him – but this did not happen.  Instead I received two e-mail apologies from his significant other, explaining that he must have been tired when he said what he said, that he must not have realized it was offensive, that he was kind hearted and would never knowingly offend someone, so he must have said it by mistake (and yes, she had heard what he had said).  But never did I receive an apology from him.  This didn’t bother me nearly as much as receiving apologies from her.  What is that? If he is being a jerk, so what?  Let him be a jerk. Why is his significant other apologizing for him??? This is a woman who is a die-hard feminist.  Why do strong, feminist women still defend the actions of men?

The second case is considerably more serious.  In this case, the husband in question is on trial for a serious crime. I don’t know if he is guilty or not.  But all involved admit that though he may not have done anything illegal (again I don’t know if he did or not) he did do something incredibly stupid to wind up in the position he is in.  He is married to a very strong, very liberated feminist.  And she is going down with the ship on this.  He will likely be convicted (again, I do not know whether he is guilty or not – nor does it matter – sometimes our judicial system is not fair as it turns out).  If convicted, his wife’s life and that of their children will likely be very damaged (and frankly with the media attention to this, their lives are already irreparably harmed).  Her job will be in question.  And he has lost his.  When released he will be largely unemployable as his job is incompatible with the crime he is being tried for.  She is standing by him.  And while I do admire her dedication – she is paying for this crime as are her kids.  And frankly, her family is footing the bill for the legal fees (not his).  This is a woman who has fought for feminist ideals – fought for women to have the rights that they do today.  And yet, she is allowing this man to ruin her life.  He is not always treating her well.  He is not showing appreciation for her dedication, and yet she makes excuses for his behavior.  “He is under so much stress – that is why he doesn’t acknowledge Valentine’s Day”.   That’s bullshit!  He should be showering her with affection!  She is still there!  She is defending him and making excuses for him to the world and he can’t buy her a lousy box of chocolates????  “It’s too hard for him to go out in public”… Well then by god he should be MAKING her a card for standing by his sorry ass.

These women, in my opinion, are not oppressed by their men.  They are doing it to themselves.  They are putting themselves in the position of subservience by allowing men to behave badly and covering it up.  I know – I was there.  I was married to someone who behaved badly sometimes. I made excuses for him not showing up to family events.  I made excuses when he would throw a temper tantrum in public.  I would make excuses to both the world and to myself when he would treat me or the kids badly.  Being a strong woman and making excuses for someone else seems wrong.  One friend pointed out that marriage is forming a unit, so when ½ half that unit misbehaves, we have to excuse it to the world because it reflects badly on us.  If that is the case, how come I don’t hear men apologizing for their wives???  We just don’t behave badly? 

I know that I am tired of making excuses for men.  And more importantly, I am blessed to be in a relationship where I am not making excuses for a man.  That doesn’t mean he never screws up, or does anything socially awkward, however, I am blessed now to be able to shrug, and let him make his own excuses.  I don’t have to be responsible for his behavior.  Is that because I have found the holy grail of men who can apologize when he screw up?  Yes, that certainly is part of it.  And perhaps starting a relationship at a more mature age also means I am not as dependent on the partnership to define who I am, so the errors he makes don’t feel like my responsibility or fault.  I would wish for all strong women out there that they can stop making excuses for their partner.  If we are apologizing for their behavior, are we truly accepting them for who they are?